Australia Day Jokes

Australia Day Jokes

Australia Day Jokes

Australia Day Jokes

1) How many Australian men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It’s a woman’s job.

2) What is the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?
One less drunk at the funeral

3) A Kiwi and an Aussie are fishing one afternoon and have a couple of cold beers. After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, “If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?” The Kiwi after a great deal of thought, says, “I don’t know about related, but it sure would make us even.”


Australia Day Jokes

Australia Day Jokes

4) If it takes an IQ of 60 to tie shoelaces, why do so many Australians wear thongs?

5) What is the difference between yoghurt and Australia?
Yoghurt has some culture.

6) An Australian man and his wife are sitting in the living room. Bruce says: “Just so you know, Shirl, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

Shirl gets up, unplugs the TV and throws out all his beer.

7) What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

8) How many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Ten. One to make the batter, and nine to peel the M&Ms.

9) Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While going through the locker one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs it and a genie suddenly appears. The genie tells them that he only grants one wish. The lamp finder blurts out: “Turn the entire ocean into Fosters!” The genie claps his hands and immediately the sea turns into beer. The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men consider their circumstances. The second Aussie turns to the first and says, “Nice going mate! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

And here’s one for the Aussies:

10) Bruce the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said “I want this room to be painted a light blue.”

The builder went to the front door and yelled, “GREEN SIDE UP!”  When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”

 When he came back, the woman said “I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell ‘green side up’ – what is that for?” The builder said, “Don’t worry about that, I’ve just got a couple of Kiwis laying the turf out front.”

Australia Day Jokes

Australia Day Jokes

The most politically correct joke ever!
In today’s day and age you can’t poke fun at a particular ethnicity or minority, so here we deal with all of them!
An Aboriginal, a Pom, an overweight Yank, a NZ Maori, a Kiwi, a Tasmanian disabled person, an elderly person from Latvia, a Swedish blonde, a German, an Italian, a drunk Irishman, a Pole, a Greek, an Indian, a Canadian politician, an Afro-American, a Mexican, a Dutchman, an arrogant Frenchman, a Brazillian, an Ethiopian, a Turk, a Jap, a Chinaman, a Russian, an Indonesian, a Malaysian, a Cambodian, a Birmese and a Vietnamese all went together to an upmarket nightclub.
The bouncer said, sorry guys, I can’t let you in without a Thai.

Two Aussie priests are in a bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one’s penis and notices there’s a Nicoderm patch on it. He laughs and says,’I believe you’re supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.’ The other one replies, ‘It’s working just fine. I’m down to two butts a day.’

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on the plane from Cairns to Perth.
That’s a very long flight so in the end the lawyer decides to make some conversation and asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.”

Australia Day Jokes

Australia Day Jokes

This catches the blonde’s attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

A sheila in a V8 was going way too fast and got pulled over for speeding.
The cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, when the sheila said, ‘I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Queensland Policeman’s Ball. ‘He replied, ‘ Queensland policemen don’t have balls.’ There was a moment of silence. He just realized what he’d said, closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

Sheila bought a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life…

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge suite opposite Bruce.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs and slowly recrosses them …

Finally Bruce asks:
”Are you wearing crutchless knickers?”

“Y-e-s,” she answers with a seductive smile.

“Thank Christ for that …. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite.”

Single v Engaged v Married

Three sheilas were having a girl’s night out and talked about their blokes.
The single sheila said, “Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my bloke’s office wearing a leather coat.

When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that he rooted me on his desk right then and there!”

The engaged sheila giggled and said, “That’s pretty much my story! When my bloke got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stilettos. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!”

The married sheila put her glass down and said, “I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.

I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ‘Hey, Batman, what’s for dinner?'”

Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.
The musical chairs was a bit slow, but bugger me, pass the parcel was quick!!!


When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

A preggo sheila went into labour, things were not going smoothly and she was in a lot of pain.
She shouted: “Get this thing outta me! Give me the drugs!” She turns to her bloke and yelled “You did this to me, you bastard!”
To which he replied, “Yeah well, I wanted to stick it up your ass, but you said,’no way that’ll be too painful.'”

Bruce was walking down the street on his way to the pub when he saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. He shouted up to him “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”

Bruce was on his way to the pub when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a bloke walking a large dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men blokes single file.

Bruce couldn’t stand the curiosity. He approached the bloke walking the dog and said, G’day mate, what’s the go here, I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?’

My wife’s.

What happened to her?’

The bloke replied, ‘My dog attacked and killed her’

Bruce inquired further, ‘But who is in the second hearse?’

The bloke answered, ‘My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her and ripped her to bits too and killed her.’

A moment of silence passed, until Bruce spoke again; Hey mate, can I borrow the dog?’

The bloke turned his head to the long procession behind the second hearse and said; ‘Get in line.’

Australia Day Jokes

Australia Day Jokes

Three black ladies are getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time in their life..

The first lady said, ‘I don’t know bout youse but I’m gunna wear me sum hot pink panties before I get on that plane.’

‘Why you gonna wear them for?’ the other two asked.

The first replied, ‘Coz, if that plane goes down and I’m out there laying butt-up in a cornfield, they gonna find me first.’

The second lady said, ‘Well, I’m gonna wear some fluro orange panties.’

‘Why you gonna wear them?’ the others asked.

The second lady answered, ‘Cause if this bloody plane is goin’ down and I be floating butt-up in the sea, they can see me first.’

The third lady says, ‘Well, I’m not gonna wear any panties…..’

‘What? No panties?’ the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, ‘That’s right mate, you heards me right. I ain’t wearin’ any panties, ‘coz if any plane goes down they always look for the black box first!

A sheila walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to do her taxreturn.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
“I’m a whore,” she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “No, No, No, that won’t work. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl.”
“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a moment and the woman says, “I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.”

“No worries, he says, chicken farmer it is.”

Australia Day Jokes

Australia Day Jokes

Bruce’s teenage son had just passed his driving test and asked his dad if he could borrow the ute.
Bruce was not all that keen on his pisshead son hooning around in his beloved V8 Holden so he set some conditions;
You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the ute’

The son thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his Bruce said, ‘mate, you’ve brought your grades up and I noticed that you have been studying your bible, but you haven’t had your hair cut.

The boy said, ‘You know, Dad, I’ve noticed in my studies of the bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair…and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.’

To this his Bruce replied, ‘Yes, and did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?’

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government’s job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don’t have to do either, and couldn’t care less.
Aussies: Don’t understand what inclement weather means.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


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Australia Day Jokes

Australia Day Jokes

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.


Australia Day Jokes

Australia Day Jokes

arrow Joke about an Australian’s intelligence

1) I am often assailed by Orstralians for being a pommie b…d whereupon I inform that I am a naturalised Ossie, lift my fringe to reveal the lobotomy scar.

2) An Australian is someone who moves comic books without moving his lips

3) If it takes an IQ of 60 to tie shoelaces, why do so many Australians wear thongs?

4) An Englishman wants to marry an Irish girl and is told he needs to become irish before he can do so. It is a very simple operation where they remove 5% of your brain.
Anyway the englishman wakes up after the operation and the doctor comes up to him looking all worried and say “I am terribly sorry, theres been a mistake to be sure, we accidently removed 50% of your brain instead of 5%!”
The englishman sits up and simply say “She’ll be right, mate”

5) An Aussie pirate walks into a bar with a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.
The Barman says ‘Sheesh – How’d you lose the leg’

The Pirate says ‘Arrrrr – A shark took it off at the knee’

The Barman says ‘Thats no good, what about the hand?’

The Piarate says ‘Arrrrg – Lost it in a bloody bar brawl’

The Barman says ‘Jeez – Well what about the eye then?’

The Pirate says ‘Thats easy a seagul crapped in it’

The Barman says ‘What?!?!’

The Pirate says ‘Arrrrrrr…I’d only had the hook one day…’

Australia Day Jokes

Australia Day Jokes

arrowJokes about an Australian’s masculinity

1) The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky…
Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.
A night of tall tales begins….
Kiven, the kiwi says, “I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut’s bliddy ‘ed un.
Jerry from South Africa typically can’t stand to be bettered. “Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it’s head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I’m still here today”.
Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

2) Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.

“Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I’ve just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.”

PM: “Shut – the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies – wi’ll be ruined!”

Hilth Munister: “We’re going to hef to shup some in from abroad… Brutain?…”

PM: “No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!”

Hilth Munister: “What about Australia?”

PM: “Maybe – but we don’t want them to know thet we are stuck.”

Hilth Munister: “You call John Howard – tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they’ll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!”

Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.

Three days later a plane arrives in Auckland – full of boxes.

A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one………



arrowJoke about life in the Australian country

1) A burnt out advertising executive decides he has had enough of the rat race & buys a property way out west. No electricity, no phones – no company.
He has read everything he can &, after a few weeks is getting a bit bored. One afternoon he seens the dust coming up way in the distance coming towards him, a while later a crusty old bushie gets out of a battered holden ute and puts out his hand.
“Hello mate, I’m your closest neighbour, live about 20 miles up the road, thought we’d chuck ya a bash to welcome you to the area”
“Sounds great” says the ad-man.
“I hear you city boys like your drugs and drink so we’ll get that in for ya.”
“Sounds awesome” says the ad-man
“we tend to get a bit punchie and horny ’round here after all those drugs & drink though, can ya handle yerself if a blue kicks off or a bit of sex is on the cards?”
“I go alright” say the ad-man
“this all sounds great, what time should I come and what should I wear?”
“Doesn’t really mattter” says the bushie “it is only going to be you and me”…….

arrow Australian bar joke

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Australian walk into a bar.
The barman says, “Is this some kind of bloody joke?”

arrow Joke about Australian culture

1) While waiting to finalise their Australian residental status, two Afghanistani men start chatting. As they part, they agree to meet in a years time and see who has adapted better to the Australian way of life.
True to their word, they meet after the year is up. The first says to the second “We have integrated so well…yesterday, I ate a meat pie and drank a VB while watching my son play Aussie rules”
The second man replies “F**k off, towelhead”

2) What is the difference between yogurt and Australia?
Yogurt has some culture

arrow Joke about bogans

Q: How do you know if you’re a bogan?
A: You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table
…in front of her kids.

arrow Joke about Australian men

An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, “Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me”
“Oh, yes, Bruce”, she says.
Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me.”
“Oh yes, Bruce” she says.
“Then, came home, couldn’t get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm.”
“Oh, yes, Bruce”, she says.
“The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me.”
“Oh yes, Bruce,”
“Now here I am, in excruiating pain, about to die, useless and you’re still with me.”
“Yes Bruce.”
“Yes, Bruce?”
“You’re bloody bad luck”


arrow Joke about Australian sexual practices

1) Why wasn’t Jesus born in Sydney?
They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin.

2) What’s an Australians idea of foreplay?
You awake?

3) What’s a Tasmanians idea of foreplay?
You awake, mum?

4) What is the Australian animal that most resembles the Australian male? The wombat, because he eats, roots, and leaves.

5) Why do so many Australian men suffer premature ejaculation? Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened!

6) What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? An Australian man will actually search for a golf ball.

arrowJoke about Australian history

A pom, fresh off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it’s his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions:
C.O. – How long do you intend to stay?
POM – 1 week.
C.O. – What is the nature of this trip?
POM – Business.
C.O. – Do you have any past criminal convictions?
POM – I didn’t think we still needed to!


Australia Day Jokes

Australia Day Jokes

arrowJoke about Australian love of beer

After their boat sinks, two aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can’t quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.
SHAZAM…..out pops a genie!
“For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish.”
The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, “I wish the whole ocean was beer!”
The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there’s a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of “water”.
“You’re not gonna believe this mate, but it’s really beer!”
His mate screws up his face and says “That’s just bloody brilliant mate! Now we’are going to have to piss in the boat!!”

arrowJokes about Australian superiority

1) New Zealanders love their rowing. Primarily because they sit down and go backwards.

2) A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we’re the best, ‘cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it’s ass with your flag!

3) An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read “$10,000 per call”. The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you,” said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same “$10,000 per call” sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read “40 cents per call.” The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I’ve travelled all over America and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?”

The priest smiled and answered, “You’re in Australia now, mate – it’s a local call”.


Australia Day Jokes

Australia Day Jokes

Joke about Australians and their mates

1) Sheila didn’t come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she’d been she said she spent the night at a girl friend’s house. Bruce was a bit suspicious she’d been rooting around so rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.
Next week Bruce didn’t come home one night. Sheila asks him where the hell he’d been. Bruce says he got a bit drunk at a mate’s place and thought it was safer not to drive and crash out there. Sheila thinks he’s been rooting around so rings his ten best mates. Eight of them say he spent the night there and two claim he’s still there.

2) An Ukrainian migrant to Australia wanted to become a cabbie so he had to go for an eye test for his drivers licence. He was shown a card with the text CWNSCZYZQOCTAZS. He looked at it with wide open eyes, looking very surprised. The examiner said impatiently; well? And the Ukrainer answered; I know that bloke…

3) An Australian and an Englishman bump into each other in the supermarket. Sorry mate, says the Englishman, I am a bit nervous, I lost my wife, can’t find her anywhere. TheAustralian replies; gee, I can’t find mine either, how about we go and look for them together? Sure, says the Englishman, what does you wife look like? Eh well, she’s blonde, long hair, tall slim body, well tanned, large breasts and she’s wearing a tight fitting low cut black dress. What does your wife look like? Forget about my wife, says the Englishman, let’s go and look for yours!

25 Reasons why beer is better than women

1 – You can enjoy a beer all month long

2 – Beer stains wash out

3 – You don’t have to wine and dine a beer

4 – Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football

5 – When your beer goes flat you toss it out and get another one

6 – Beer is never late

7 – A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer

8 – Hangovers go away

9 – Beer labels come off without a fight

10 – When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer

11 – Beer never has a headache

12 – After you’re finished with a beer the bottle is still worth five cents

13 – A beer won’t get upset if you come home with another beer

14 – If you pour a beer right you’ll always get good head

16 – A beer always goes down easy

17 – You can always share a beer with friends

18 – You know you’re always the first one to pop a beer

19 – Beer is always wet

20 – Beer doesn’t demand equality

21 – You can have a beer in public

22 – A beer doesn’t care what time you come home

23 – A frigid beer is a good beer

24 – You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good

25 – If you change beers you don’t have to pay maintenance


Australia Day Jokes

Australia Day Jokes

Joke about Australian tactfullness

1) Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,”Someone should go and tell his wife.” Macca says, “OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”
Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,”Where did you get that, Macca?”
“Chook’s missus gave it to me.” “That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?” 

Macca says, “Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Chook`s widow.” 
She said, “No, I’m not a widow.”
And I said, “Wanna bet me a slab”

Joke about Australian yobbo

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

Jokes about Australian an gentleman

1)Sheila was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them was washing her private area, and noticed that there was a response on the monitor,when she touched her. They went to her husband Bruce and explained what happened, telling him,”Crazy as this sounds maybe a little oral sex, will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.”
Bruce was skeptical, but they assured him, that they’d close the curtains for privacy. He finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.
After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. “What happened?” Bruce replied, “I guess she choked.”

2) An Australian gentleman should always offer to light his girlfriend’s farts before lighting his own.

3) When fishing, an Australian gentleman should always offer to bait his lady’s hook before baiting his own.


Australia Day Jokes

Australia Day Jokes

Joke about Australian women

1) Bruce was dying. Sheila sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: “I have something I must confess.”
“There’s no need to, ” she replied. “No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I’ve rooted your sister, your best mate, her best mate, and your mother!”
“I know,” she replied, ” now just rest and let the poison do its work.”

2) In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the second Day.

On the Second Day God created water – for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants – to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth day God created a bloke – to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas – to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody great!


3) A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young Australian couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.
While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years… I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.” To which the wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!”


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